Coping with Grief

Loretta, I am so sorry for your loss. Not long ago my lovely niece was killed by her boyfriend. I grieved for her but not as deeply as her mother and father. They experienced sorrow that came like sea billows. Their hearts were torn, bruised, and extremely tender to her memories and the tragic way she died. Their grief was triggered by almost everything. Time has helped to heal their wounds (she has been dead six years now) but they will never be as they were. They went through deep sorrow. I'm sure it was like the valley of the shadow of death.

Grief gives us only one place to go....God. Men may be sympathetic, but they can rarely say or do anything that will answer the hard questions or ease your broken heart. Only the God that restores our broken souls (Psalms 23) can help.

C.S. Lewis wrote “Relying on God has to begin all over again everyday as if nothing had yet been done”. Each day for many days you will have a battle to be fought. You will be weak but God is strong. Do not despair this great pain while unpleasant is normal. However you will be stretched beyond measure, and in the end you will be a stronger mother than you ever though possible. Your pain will become an avenue of ministry. You will reach out to others who will go through similar hurt, and you will bless them.

Paul wrote in the New Testament about hardships: "For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life:9 But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead:." 2 Cor 1:8-9
In the face of loss, hardship & uncertainty we can discover power in grief by allowing the pain of grief to move us towards God and to learn to rely totally on Him. When we discover that only God can comfort and His presence is more of a reality than ever before we discover what’s good about grief. Paul wrote in 2 Cor. 12:9-10...“When I am weak, then I am strong.”

In order to keep from falling apart we begin with:

A. Surrender and acceptance with prayer: We can use loss to help our faith grow and move us towards reliance on Christ. The pain of grief draws us to Christ. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.."Matt 11:28-30 ...God hears our prayers, provides comfort and rest.

B. Since “the only way out of grief is through it” we need to work through the stages of grief: feel the pain, express it in healthy ways through journaling, prayer, close friends. Depend on God for strength to take on new responsibilities. Pace yourself. Let other people help.
“The overall purpose of grief is to bring you to the point of making the
necessary changes you need to make so you can live with the loss in a healthy way.” It is at this turning point in our lives that God works on us and through us....on our characters, perspective, behavior helping us to become more Christlike.

I would encourage you to read the story of Jacob losing his beloved son Joseph. (Gen 37:34 ) Paralyzed by grief Jacob become a miserable paranoid hermit. He withdrew from all activity and mourned for years. When he found out that Joseph had not died in Gen 45:25 he said "It is enough". Years of grief were over, hope soared when he realized that Joseph was not dead. What hope for those of us who are Christians. When our children die they have gone to be with the Lord. We will see them again. We must not be swallowed by grief, sorrowing as those without hope. We will see them soon. It is enough.

These suggestions may help.

• Be a name dropper! Mentioning your loved one's name during conversation gives others permission to talk about your loved one, too.
  
• Be honest. Don't say that you're "okay" when you're not.
  
• Ask for help and be specific. Ask a friend to hold your hand while you go through a loved one's closet, or make a dreaded phone call. Grief shared is grief diminished.
  
• If possible, postpone making difficult or life-changing decisions until after the first year.
  
• Grief can take a toll on health. Continue to watch your diet, and exercise. Make an appointment for a physical.
  
• Start a grief journal, and write out your feelings.
  
• Write a letter to your loved one, and read it aloud by the graveside.
  
• If it's been six months or longer, consider joining a grief support group.
  
• Spend at least 15 minutes each day in the sun. It will lift your spirits.
  
• Breathe deeply. The shallow breathing that comes with grief can cause chest pains, headaches or other health problems.
  
• Pray for God's help and comfort.
  

Links

http://www.grievinggodsway.com/book.asp

http://www.texasstar.net/autumn/grief1.html

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product/162793718?item_no=759508&event=SP71457

Books:

Stephenson, Wally. "Helping a Friend Who Is Grieving." Harrisburg, PA: ABWE

Publishing.

Stephenson, Wally. "What Grievers Can Expect." Harrisburg, PA: ABWE Publishing.

Adams, Jay (1988). A Thirst For Wholeness. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, chapter 2.

Bridges, Jerry (1988). Trusting God. Colorado Springs, CO: Navpress.

Our church will pray for you.

Charles Klock for Grace Bible Fellowship